11 June, 2015. 09:30
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | Contact
Despite his outright support for marriage equality, The Australian Christian Lobby has this week thanked Opposition Leader Bill Shorten for his “helpful” and “important” role in stopping same-sex marriage, after Labor committed to blocking the Turnbull government’s proposed plebiscite.
However, many believe this defiant hamster wheel of overly politicised relationships is only just gaining momentum. An issue which Australians have spoken about non-stop since we found out Elton didn’t really love that lady in married in Double Bay.
Hysterical suburban jet-ski owners have been emailing our headquarters non-stop with questions related to the terrifying concept of allowing two consenting adults to put a ring on it. So with legal counsel, we have taken it upon ourselves to answer them all.
“Will gay marriage make my marriage less sacred”
No. Gay marriage is yet to be aligned with any particular Church. It’s quite obviously mostly about terms of reference and tax purposes.
“Will gay marriage mean my gay daughter feels more comfortable in her own skin”
“Will gay marriage affect my ability to live through my sons by forcing them to play contact sport”
No. Your sons will continue to dream about the performing arts while you abuse them from the sideline.
“Will gay marriage affect my ability to have extramarital affairs with other married people”
No, it will increase your ability to have extramarital affairs, on both sides of the fence.
“Will gay marriage increase the price of beer at the MCG?”
Absolutely not. Caterers will be ecstatic with these new changes.
“Will gay marriage mean I can no longer flog my wife in God-given sanctity”
No, but we have forwarded on your details to the nearest police station and local motorcycle club.
“Will gay marriage affect my wife’s floristry company”
No. Have you got fucking rocks in your head?