A white middle class Australian man, whose most formative teenage years fell upon him during the turbulent late 1990s, can finally relax today.

37-year-old financial equities analyst, Henry Menzies, was elated to learn today that American rapper Eminem’s daughter has ended up happily married to a nice enough looking bloke, with her dad by her side at the altar.

“I’m just so glad she got out of 8 Mile” says Henry, as he looks at press photos of Hailie Jade Mathers’ expensive Michigan wedding.

As a student of Eminem’s earlier albums, Henry is in the same boat as millions of other suburban adults his age around the world – in that, he is heavily invested in the trials and tribulations of Eminem’s immediate family.

“I was there for her whole childhood, you know” says Henry.

“It was obviously a story told through her father’s rap songs”

“The newfound fame. The turmoil. Her dad going from being Detroit trailer trash to a global celebrity overnight… While also dealing with what I now recognise as inter-generational trauma. The tragedy of Eminem’s uncle Ronnie dying. Eminem’s mother forcing him to endure a tortured childhood munchausen syndrome by proxy and his vow to never allow his own children to remain trapped in the cycle of poverty and abuse”

“Then of course you’ve got the sliding door moment of him meeting Dr Dre. The opportunities that came with that, juxtoposed with the mental anguish and public scrutiny of success”

However, even if these photos are evidence that Eminem came good on his mission to raise well-educated, well-adjusted and financially secure children, Henry admits that Hailie should take some credit too – considering the fact that his childhood hero isn’t exactly a beacon of emotional stability and self-control.

“Look, I’m the biggest fan he’s got and I’m so relieved everything worked out alright for the family… but”

“He literally had a song called ‘Drug Ballad’ where he rapped about taking as much drugs as possible and how funny it was that he could die doing so”

“Not to mention of the drama with Kim (Eminem’s on-again off-again ex-wife and Hailie Jade’s mother)”

“I mean, in hindsight, Kim never really got to tell her side of the story. To be honest, as a 15 year old I didn’t really care for her side of the story.”

“He spent like two albums rapping about how he fantasied killing his Kim and his Mum I’ve gotta say Hailie deserves some credit here too”

As he packs up his work computer and prepares for his Uber home to the suburbs, Henry continues to contemplate just how wild things were at the height of Eminem’s recording career, a cultural phenomena that he was very much swept up in.

“I didn’t really think too deep about this all at the time. How was this shit even considered hip hop. Like it’s rap sure? But it’s a far cry from OutKast”

“Like, I’ve listened to every one of those albums thousands of times over and I never really quite understood the whole ‘Slim Shady’ thing. I know his stage name was Eminem, but his nickname was Slim Shady. Or was it an alias? Because neither are his real name”

“Did he have schizophrenia? Was that the point of this all?”


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