EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

Just a mere 24 hours after former Qantas CEO Alan Joyce announced his resignation, the troubled airline has revealed even more starling news that has caused alarm amongst its stakeholders and signalled the company might be heading for a rapid and unstoppable decline.

Following a similar fate to Pandora bracelets, it can now be confirmed that the nation’s upper class highschoolers are no longer flaunting their wealth by donning Qantas pyjamas at sleepovers and have instead adopted ‘poor core’ – which involves cosplaying as lower class scum by wearing oversized shirts and flannel pants to bed instead.

This is said to be in direct response to private school boys adopting bogan mullets and tracksuits, leaving wealthy teenage girls to find their own povo fashion to emulate.

“Yeah it’s kind of frowned upon to be rich at the moment”, says 15 year old Dara Kindling-Thompson, brandishing a Woolies reusable bag full of gym gear, “so I tell everyone my dad works in hospitality.”

“But he actually owns multiple restaurants.’

This news has understandably sent Qantas’s head office into a head spin, as they try to figure out how to revamp the company’s image to its former glory without actually doing anything to benefit its customers.

Having already flogged the ‘We Still Call Australia Home’ song last year with the likes of Aussie sweethearts Hugh Jackman and Kylie Minogue, a Qantas Head of Marketing, Nina Stubbs, admits they’re struggling to figure out how to increase a positive brand recognition that young rich kids want to be associated with.

“People are wisening up to fact that if they a budget airline that actually tries to give customer’s a decent experience, they’re better off with Rex”, Nina explains, “so we figured we’d pivot into appearing a little more high class.”

“That’s why we showed that stupid fucking ad in the women’s soccer semi finals about a kid flying business class to visit his mum.”

“Well that didn’t fucking work did it?”

“Who knew teenagers aren’t interested in casually flaunting their privilege by wearing PJ’s that’s been mass produced in Bangladesh for 50c a set.”

“Kids these days.”

More to come.


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