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The first leaders’ debate of the 2022 federal election campaign is upon us, and nobody is surprised that Rupert Murdoch’s jackboots have been given complete control of the run sheet.
In what many analysts are describing as an ad idea for Anthony Albanese, Prime Minister Scott Morrison will go head-to-head in a debate with Labor leader Anthony Albanese in Brisbane tonight.
However, in a media landscape that gives The Opposition Leader very little air time outside of his unemployment gaffe two weeks ago, Albo is taking whatever he can get.
Mr Morrison is no stranger to leaders’ debates. He took part in three during the 2019 campaign, utilising his large frame to alpha a gun shy Bill Shorten, and his superior comebacks to slap down everything the opposition leader put on the table. No doubt Albanese is preparing his ‘go back to Hawaii’ sledges and ‘lock him up’ chants as a last resort.
The two leaders will face questions from a group of 100 undecided voters, Sky News insists. However, they’ll probably just be a crowd of rednecks who are terrified of Muslims and vaccines.
Sky’s political reporter Kieran Gilbert will moderate the debate, which is officially named the Sky News-Courier Mail People’s Forum, the debate is taking place about a week and a half into the election campaign.
It is not yet known why Sky News are hosting this debate, rather than one of the public broadcasters, although it’s likely because it is the only TV network that the PM can 100% trust will bury any footage of him making a goose of himself.
While Gilbert will do his best to ensure that the debate remains balanced, Sky News do have a protocol in place to fool-proof to ensure this doesn’t end up turning into an own goal for their friends in the Liberal party.
Sitting in the front row, Paul “Aldi Alan’ Murray will be paying close attention to the proceedings, while pretending to be an everyday Australian – his favourite kind of cosplay.
Strapped to his chest, concealed underneath his dark blue Tarocash suit, will be 15 kilograms of remote-detonated plastic explosives.
Both Paul Murray and the Sky News producers say they are winning to kill everyone in the room, including themselves, rather than have Morrison’s incompetencies broadcasted to the world.
Orders from Rupert himself stipulate that if the conversation veers towards aged care or the housing crisis, Paul must give the PM thirty seconds to drag the debate back to transgender people playing sport. If not, boom.
Tonight’s massacre will begin broadcast at 7pm.