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Palaszczuk has been left scratching her head after it was reported that alcohol-related violence still existed despite the introduction of lockout laws.
Forgetting that people lack self-control even at the best of times, the shorter drinking window has resulted in people smashing alcohol and slinging back shots quicker than ever. It’s reported that not only are people arriving in the valley earlier but ten times drunker too.
“I was really surprised,” says Palaszczuk, “I mean, logically, if someone consumes 20 drinks in five hours, that means they’d have 12 drinks in three hours?”
“It’s common math. Less time to drink, less drinks, right?”
In the span of three years, Queensland’s lockout laws have changed roughly the same amount of times Australia has changed Prime Ministers, but this hasn’t stopped Palaszczuk from coming up with new, innovative ideas.
Her latest bid, a statewide ban on all patrons wearing Bintang singlets and snapbacks, was rejected for being discriminatory.
Feeling a bit dejected, Palaszczuk had settled down for a night in when she came across the 2013 thriller ‘The Purge.’
“As soon as I saw it, it occurred to me that maybe violence IS the answer.”
After an exhaustive few hours, Palaszczuk finally had a fail-proof idea she could bring to the board- a 24 hour free for all where frustrated, testosterone-fuelled patrons could beat the shit out of each other without consequence.
“I mean, firstly I want to say that the past laws I’ve implemented are definitely working,” said Palaszczuk.
“For example, studies show that since implementing ID scanners, bars in the valley have seen 20-30% fewer patrons.”
“It’s obviously deterring people who know they’ve been banned.”
“But this idea is going to nip violence in the bud once and for all.”
Reports suggest that it will be mandatory for all bars in the valley to participate in the purge.
Though Palaszczuk has remained tightlipped, it is revealed that the Treasury Casino will be exempt from this law, and will act as a momentary safehouse for concerned patrons.
More to come.
