In news that probably won’t surprise anyone, Roald Dahl’s children’s books are being rewritten to remove language deemed offensive.

The publisher of the iconic children’s author has hired sensitivity readers to rewrite his text to make sure the books “can continue to be enjoyed by all today”, resulting in extensive changes across Dahl’s work.

Edits have been made to descriptions of characters’ physical appearances. The word “fat” has been cut from every new edition of relevant books, while the word “ugly” has also been erased.

Augustus Gloop in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is now described as “enormous”. In The Twits, Mrs Twit is no longer “ugly and beastly” but just “beastly”.

It’s a disgrace. You can’t say anything anymore.

But it seems the PC Police are not just happy with sanitising our treasured childhood literature, they also want to revise some of the greatest worksite crack-ups of all time.

There is increasing pressure on the magazine company formerly known as Bauer Media Australia to erase, rewrite and reprint 14 years worth of the classic softcore pornography known as Zoo Magazine.

This means some of the most memorable headlines of the 2000s and 2010s will be no more.

No more ‘WORLD FATTEST SPORTSMEN’ listicles.

No more front page photoshoots that intimately detail what much-loved child stars look like now as A WOMAN!

No more ‘TOP TEN HOTTEST ASYLUM SEEKERS’ – where we get a good look at some of the sexy war-weary mamas that not even the most xenophobic Immigration Minister could refuse.

No more PUB AMMO general knowledge about which rock stars were secretly gay, and which politicians wives cheated on them. HAHA.

No more photos of gruesome worksite injuries involving nail guns.

No more fun.

What the hell is wrong with this country? When will it stop. These magazines have already polluted the brains of Gen X tradies and teenage millennial wankmachines. There’s no undoing it. Is it time to look back at the past with a bit of nuance? Is it time to accept that things were a little bit more red hot back then? Is it time to admit that we have lost our sense of humour!?

Is it time to realise that this hilarious magazine formate was crushed by Instagram babes posting photos of themselves half naked for much more money, so long as they tag a skincare company. It makes me sick.


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