EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

Though local woman Gwen Bennett [34] had expected the odd few wrinkles there have been a few parts of her thirties that have come as a complete and utter shock.

For one, she’s now facing a sudden onslaught of pimples despite having been one of those lucky few people who had blemish free skin as a teenager. And she’s fairly sure her hair is not as thick as it used to be, though she can’t be sure if that’s a genetic thing or she’s just bleached the fuck out of it.

But the one thing that was never on her radar, was the influx of random things her body has decided it no longer likes anymore – namely, gluten.

After having terrible bloating for the past several months, a series of tests have now confirmed Gwen’s worst fears, and that her days of consuming normal pasta and bread may have come to an end.

However, after giving gluten free pasta and bread a red hot go, Gwen is starting to think that looking four months pregnant and having the odd bout of spitty bum really isn’t that bad – especially after spending $7 on gluten free bread some Woolies, that had more holes in it than Swiss cheese factory.

“Honestly, what the fuck is this?”, she exclaims, showing our reporter what appears to be a pre-prepared toad in the hole, “this is just a joke?”

Speaking to a local baker, The Advocate enquires why all gluten free bread is riddled with holes, and learns that it’s not to make it more aerodynamic, as previously thought.

“Yeah it’s where the gluten used to be”, explains Bob, from Bob’s Pastries, “we have to manually remove it from each loaf.”

“The extra few bucks you pay for it is actually a service fee.”

More to come.


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