Liberal MP and Conspiracy Theory Connoisseur Craig Kelly has been shocked to find out that he too is on mental health leave. 

The decision comes in response to the controversial MP’s history of falling for comical conspiracy theories including classics such as his claim that the Bureau of Meteorology had falsified weather records because 2020 was “the coolest year ever” (even though everybody knows the coolest year ever was 2015 when Marty McFly escaped from Griff Tannen’s gang on his Hoverboard, as depicted in a 1989 documentary), that the storming of the US Capitol Building was a false flag attack designed to make Trump supporters look crazy, and that the island of Tuvalu, doomed to drown by climate change, is actually getting bigger because coral islands can float on water. For real. 

In addition to this Kelly is unconvinced about the effectiveness of spicy flu jabs, instead echoing Trump’s support for the use of hydroxychloroquine and also a hair lice medication which are both generally regarded as having no effect; or worse.

Chief Medical Officer Paul Kelly (no relation to Craig or Ned; probably) has described the politician’s views as “not scientifically-based”, in a commendable demonstration of diplomacy and restraint. 

In taking Mental Health Leave, Trump joins Linda Reynolds who filed her health leave form as soon as the media got wind of the way she handled a sexual assault allegation, and Attorney General Christian Porter, who quickly ticked the Mental Health box after a week of refusing to asnwer questions.

However, involuntarily imposed mental health leave is believed to be a first in the farcical world of Australian politics. 

“It was pretty crazy” said an unnamed source.

“He walked into his office and a whole bunch of Liberal MPs were waiting. They said, “hey we just put in your order for the pizza party, all you need to do is come over here and press Enter to send it”. And Craig said “What are you guys doing here? Pizza party? I didn’t know we were … wait, this is a Leave Form; I’m not going on leave!” And they locked the door, pinned him down, grabbed his hand and used it to press Enter.”

“So he’s got some time off.”


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