RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

The AFL Grand Final Parade has made its way through the city of Melbourne today, including a portion taking place along the Yarra River for the very first time.

The Yarra, notorious for its ability to carry and spread waterborne disease, many of them fatal, has little in common with the comparatively fresh and flowing rivers found up in and around Sydney, where citizens freely submerge themselves with little risk
of death or paralysis.

By force of habit, several thirsty Sydney players were today seen lapping up handfuls of the brown, turbid cesspool that is the Yarra River, much like they would do back home on trips through the Blue Mountains.

In response, a member of the Sydney Swans coaching staff was quick to admonish the players, explaining to them that the crystal clear and beautiful waters they enjoy back home in the land of sun and glamour, are not the same down here.

“Stop drinking it!” Assistant Coach Jarrad McVeigh yelled to one of the Swans small forwards, who had leant over the side of the boat to quench his thirst.

McVeigh spent much of the river cruise portion of the Parade’s proceedings putting out spot fires, racing from one end of the boat to the other and physically hitting the chunky water out of players’ hands.

“It’s not like the water back home, boys!” McVeigh screamed anxiously. “We’ve got water bottles right here on the boat if you’re that bloody thirsty.”

With the Grand Final now less than 24 hours away, the Swans’ club doctor is reported to be keeping a close eye on a number of players known to have consumed the water, as Yarra-related sicknesses are known to show symptoms within the hour.

More to come.


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