LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
As rumours swirl around the possible sacking of the Australian Rugby Union Marketing Pigeon, a leaked CV of the feathered marketer has caused quite a stir.
Typed entirely in Arial Bold, the leaked CV outlines the recent job experience of the notoriously complacent pigeon as well as some University course work that really should be taken off by now, at least for the benefit of fitting the document onto a single piece of paper double-sided A4.
One keen-eyed viewer noted the leaked CV cited the ARU Marketing Pigeon as the creator of ambitious soft drink/beer crossover, Carlton Dry Natural Lime.
Most known for being a drink purchased by 19-year-olds in error, Carlton Dry Natural Lime is a drink so heinous the word ‘Natural’ in the title serves only as a ruse to lure in short-sighted hippies searching for kombucha in the beer section.
According to the document, the ARU Marketing Pigeon “lead the creation and implementation of new product development to the satisfaction of all parties (with the exception of anyone who actually tried one).”
An anonymous source who claims to have worked at Carlton United Breweries stated he’s pretty sure the ARU Marketing Pigeon is the same pigeon he worked with who came up with the idea of adding lime to everyone’s favourite bottle for glassing someone with.
“I think his idea at first was to shit in every bottle and lime is what they came up with when we asked him to scale idea back,” he stated.
“The idea [behind Carlton Dry Natural Lime] was you could enjoy lime flavour in your beer without having to cut up a lime. I think the pigeon thought of it because he couldn’t use a knife himself.”
“Anyway, he’s played a couple of games for the Tahs and is an alumni of one of Sydney’s elite private schools. So he should be up to the job.”
“Apparently he’s got an idea to rebrand the NRC as the RNC which is pretty exciting.”
At the time of publishing, the Marketing Pigeon has refused to comment on their CV and rumoured dismissal but was seen talking to a team of legal pigeons outside a chicken shop.