RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

It’s no secret that Betoota Grove, Roma Hills, San Diamantina Rivers and Pidgeon Parksvillecastlespringstonriverstown are some of Betoota’s most expensive suburbs.

Their residents are an affluent bunch that take great pride in their illustrious post codes. Which makes sense considering that one would be laying out the eye watering sum of at least $2 million to pick up a house in these areas.

At least that used to be the case. But not since the great housing downturn that has obliterated the top-end of the market.

These exclusive locales have been some of the hardest hit during the property crash, with prices crumbling up to 20% from their dizzying highs to now rest at an average house price of only $1.7m.

Yet while the value of homes has undergone dramatic change, the proud residents dwelling within them are still the same reprehensible wankers they’ve always been. Wankers who now have a chip on their well-massaged shoulders. 

The Advocate was granted a visitor day pass to the exclusive gated community of San Diamantina Rivers and spoke with local big-headed wanker, Michael Braithwaite (42).

“It’s still an exclusive area,” Braithwaite quaffed defensively. “We don’t just let anyone live here. You still need at least $2m if you ask me, and you must know people, have connections, you know, be somebody.” 

The wanker explained this all the while sipping an orange mimosa and fixing the knot of his woollen tennis jumper he had tied over his shoulders. He wore white tennis shorts and shirt, and completed the wankery look with a pair of obnoxious white boat shoes.

A well-botoxed woman in her mid-40s or mid-60s approached, her own mimosa in hand and gowned in similar tennis attire. Braithwaite introduced her to The Advocate and mentioned how impertinent questions were being asked about the falling property values of their very own San Diamantina Rivers enclave.

“An average house price of $1.7m is still more than you’ll ever be able to afford, boy,” the woman spat before throwing her mimosa into our reporter’s face.

The Advocate had similar experiences in all these suburbs today. Mimosas, Martinis and Bellinis were all at one point thrown into our man’s face by salty residents.


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