All the hard work that our species has done since our fishy forebears crawled out of the water has been undone as our supposedly evolved species has made a habit of putting leafy greens on a toastie.

Cheese toasties are a hot cheesy snack enjoyed by people from all parts of society as they are easy to make with the ingredients you have at home and are acknowledged to temporarily solve all the world’s problems.

In recent years however, upmarket cafes with more Instagram followers than you, have defiled the toastie with additions such as mushrooms, kimchi and fucking basil making appearances in toasties like everything is fine and we’re not on a dying planet or anything.

While The Advocate would like to point out that there is nothing wrong with adding these things to your toastie, you really should accept the fact it is not a toastie and now is some weird thing that your mum pretends to like. 

However, a hardline needs to be drawn as toastie ingredients such as lettuce, roquette and baby spinach do not belong in any toasted sandwich as it causes them to wilt, taste disgusting and prove that we are a useless species worthy of our cruel fate.

“Not our one, our one tastes great,” lied the 20 or so cafe workers we spoke to when writing this article.

“Would you like to add guacamole to yours too?”



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here