ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australia’s peak scientific body has today confirmed what many believe to be true.

The CSIRO, a chronically-underfunded government money pit, released their findings today into whether drinking alcoholic beverages in direct sunlight makes them more potent.

And it makes for chilling reading.

Speaking to the media today in Canberra, a faceless spokesman from the Organisation said that all the evidence they’ve collected over the past few weeks all points to one thing.

“Yes,” he said.

“Drinking in direct sunlight all day makes the drinks you’re drinking much more powerful. We don’t really know why, but we paid two young ladies of similar size and piss fitness to strawpedo a bottle of cleanskin chardonnay at the same time,”

“However, one was in the heavily-airconditioned pokie room down at the Betoota Hotel and the other nice lady was sitting on a camping chair in the middle of the carpark where it was the best part of fifty in the shade.”

The scientist then explained that he didn’t really need to explain what happened next – but he would anyway.

“So the girl in the carpark said she felt like death and begged God for forgiveness an hour after inhaling the white wine,”

“While the polite double-xer in the pokie den said she felt like she could run through a brick wall. We had to physically restrain her to prevent her from actually trying,”

“Therefore, we concluded that drinking in the sun is way worse and it is only fun in moderation. It makes drinks, like, about 50% more powerful? That sounds about right. Did you know we invented wi-fi?”

The CSIRO’s report can be found in full on their website.

More to come.


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