A literally breathtaking scientific report by British American Tobacco has once again confirmed that pumping your lungs full of tar is not as bad as you thought so garn and sit down and have a dart (executive summary).

Most brilliantly of all, the report has found that cigarette smoking on the Indonesian island of Bali officially does not do any damage to your health and ultimately ‘doesn’t count’.

Originally invented as a way to tell who’s cool and who’s a nerd, cigarettes are an expensive way to relieve stress while ridding yourself of all those pesky extra years at the end of your life.

Benefits aside, smoking is detrimental to your health and should only be used as an aid to quit vaping.

However, it has now been confirmed that you can forget all that when you are basking in the sun on the glorious big ashtray known to Aussies as Kuta Beach.

“How good?” mused international sex tourist Chris Georgstiansen as he lit himself a 10 cent dart from a warning-free deck while neck deep in the warm ocean.

“Usually they take 10 minutes off my life but now I just get to enjoy them! I don’t even feel it the next day!”

Although Georgstiansen’s friends claim he has ruined a 12 year abstinence from tobacco products, the Bali hedonist revealed that he had been chuffing in Bali long before the report was made public and that it didn’t matter anyway as ciggies simply do not count in Bali.


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