As COVID-19 restrictions are eased, pubs across the country are reopening to the excitement of publicans and alcoholics alike.

From June 1 NSW pubs will be allowed to seat up to 50 people, while most other states will allow 20 patrons by mid June. However, publicans claim it will still not be economically feasible to open unless each patron sinks 20 schooners in under half an hour before hastily leaving.

“It’s all about quantity” says Betoota Hotel publican Mal Campton.

“We have to shift hundreds of litres of beer just to break even, so the aim of the game is to get the punters in, pump them full of booze then escort them to the exit in a brisk yet orderly fashion.”

To this end, the beer taps and glasses have been replaced with beer bongs, with bar staff standing on the bar to hold and fill the funnels. Designated drivers are banned and priority is given to alcoholics when selecting patrons for entry.

“It’s all very civilized” says Mal.

“We select the thirstiest looking bloke and make sure he has money. We then get him to sign a pledge to purchase 20 beers and a legal waiver before we sit him up at the bar and hook him up to a beer bong hose.”

“We then shotgun 20 beers into the funnel and then ask him if he’d like any more. Most patrons say no, or just throw up, which we consider to mean yes. Eventually the patron runs out of money at which point we thank him for coming and push him out the side door.”

“Makes sense to me.” says Betoota Hotel regular Jack Rockwell, who has just completed his 20 beer tour of duty.

“I understand the need for the high turnover model and I’m happy to help the local pub. If thatsh what it takes to get tha hotel bark in busss. In bussshiness then I gess we yorl got. Gotta do for thar farken blarrrrrghhhh. Blaaaaaarrrghhhhhhggl. Farken. Blarrrrrghgh. Hgggnh.”


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