Today was the happiest day of a man’s life, or at least would have been if he had not been the recipient of a dark and foreboding prophecy.

Earlier today, PE teacher Luke Beasley (29) tied the knot with his long term partner Kim Cox (28), who will be keeping her last name for obvious reasons. 

Their wedding was a beautiful celebration featuring specially written vows, a first dance to a cover of a classic love song and every piece of sage green fabric that has ever existed.

According to Beasley, it would have been a perfect day, if his uncle George had not come up to him immediately after the ceremony to tell him that his life was over.

“Congratulations nephew, you’ve ruined your life,” stated uncle George, his blank eyes like two cavernous pits of despair.

“Yeah, you’re laughing now mate. See how long you keep that up for.”

Although his wife of nearly 40 years was standing right next to him, actually enjoying the wedding like a weirdo, uncle George continued to warn his nephew about the forsaken path he now walks upon.

“I see myself in you nephew. At least, what was once myself. Sometimes I think there is still a fragment, a thread, a shadow of the man I once was when I said those two words before a congress of my dear ones, beneath the very arch that you and your betrothed stand betwixt today.”

“You may think today is the happiest day of your life, perhaps it is. It was for me. It was every day that followed that soured what should have been a prosperous bushell.”

“I have no advice for you to heed my nephew, the time for advice is done. You have sealed your fate. It’s ironic really, if I remembered how to laugh, perhaps I would cackle at your impending misfortune.”


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