The slippery crackle of a tray of Arnotts Family Assorted biscuits can be heard this morning, as a Betoota insurance agency attempts to bribe their workers into the office with some chalky stale treats.

Despite downsizing their office space during the pandemic and only having enough desks for a quarter of their staff, Zupa Health have reportedly begun a post-Christmas offensive to get everyone into the office five days a week.

Having purchased a new coffee pod machine that makes brews that taste like army rations – executives at the firm are hoping the introduction of a jar of Milk Arrowroots, Butternut Snaps and the boomer’s favourite, Scotch Finger, will inspire workers to suffer an hour long commute into their lifeless office.

With more than half of workers choosing to work from home three days a week, further reports from the dank watering holes in Betoota’s CBD are suggesting that for workers at Zupa Health, the days of working from home in a crusty pair of track pants are limited.

“Mate I barely enjoy the two days that I do come in,” slurred Michael Trevino, a 39-year-old company man who’d much rather be spending his afternoon with his kids, than being stuck sitting on a train listening to some Lacoste clad hoodlums from Betoota Ponds blare drill rap from their iPhone.

“I have to leave at 4pm to get a seat on that sauna on rails, and even then half the trains don’t run.”

“If they think a packet of prison biscuits is going to convince me to fork out $50 a week to travel into an office without a desk and do the work I can usually do from my 9-seater sofa at home, they’ve got another thing coming!”

“They need to bring out the Tim Tams to get me in four days a week, or a pack of Assorted Creams at a minimum!”

More to come.


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