A local bloke who used to live off burger rings and coca cola in primary school is showing no signs of giving up the self-destructive hedonism, it has been confirmed today.

Second-generation real estate agent, Kai Chant (29) has this week taken the crown of the number 1 seller out of the the 35 under 35 in Betoota’s North-West Ward.

This career-defining corporate award was hard fought, in a pool of tough competition. The award was judged on real estate sales numbers, client relationship management, the amount of posters with his head on it, and his cocaine usage.

It is no surprise to his former classmates that Kai took home this coveted gong last night, after watching him seamlessly transition from the hyperactive kid that would smash a 1.25 litre bottle of coke every lunchtime, into the wildly antisocial man that can’t drink more than one glass of buttery chardonnay at Betoota Icebergs restuarant without making a trip to the bathroom to get stuck into the bags.

With the Betoota’s cocaine market standardised at roughly .6 gram portions, his two bag a day habit has him smashing roughly 1.25 grams over lunch each day, and that’s not even counting his consumption after dark.

The evolution from the ‘soft drink kid’ at school who would eat $60 worth of fast food every lunchtime to property manipulator is perhaps the best avenue for this suburban archetype. Soft drink kids are also known to become ‘live at home gamers’ in their 30s, white boy rap enthusiasts, and in the rare circumstance – the ‘fitness freaks’ who reject their unhealthy upper middle class upbringings and develop equally unhealthy relationships with nutrition and exercise.

Kai, like many blokes who went from being spoilt and un-educatable school students to extremely volatile and unskilled real estate agents, likes to openly brag about how little time he spent on tertiary education or a trade. Instead, he leant on his concerning lack of supervision and direction to find himself making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year with warm handshakes and cologne.

“I just hustled” he says.

“To anyone complaining about not having a fair go. I’ve got two words for you”

“Justify your existence”


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