After realising that Australian politics was missing his wildly unhelpful input, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has returned to breakfast television with another hot take about the opinion of an uppity female professional.

Dutton has joined a chorus of relevance-deficient conservatives condemning Victoria’s Deputy Chief Health Officer Annaliese van Diemen for her comparisons of Captain Cook’s arrival on Australian shores to the unwelcome spread of the coronavirus.

“I think it’s pretty obvious in the middle of a pandemic the second highest medical officer in the state of Victoria should be concentrating on the people of Victoria and the crisis associated with COVID-19” said Mr Dutton, one of the earliest transmitters of this illness that has killed nearly 100 people.
“Instead she is off running culture war debates. I think she is unfit for that office and she should go.”

Conservative commentators around the country have also responded to the van Diemen’s comments with fury today – with many arguing that she is steering away from the acceptable, revisionist, recount of Australian history.

“I think this is just PC gone mad. What’s next? They want us to capitalise the word indigenous?” says one nameless Sky News commentator who has been estranged from every one of his daughters because he is generally unpleasant to be around.

“It’s not very healthy for us to change our entire understanding of Australian history purely just to include an Aboriginal perspective”

Even the Prime Minister has weighed in on this pointless news story aimed at diverting attention from Peter Dutton’s inability to stop the one boat that ever fucking mattered.

Speaking on 2GB this morning, the PM said Dr van Diemen should “stick to her day job”.
“I found these comments very disappointing,” Mr Morrison told Alan Jones.
“She clearly won’t get the job as chief historian.”
Historians from the National Museum agree with this sentiment, with many claiming that Dr van Diemen is being divisive in her attempt to present settlement as an invasion, rather than a giant beach party that everyone was cool with.

Government researcher, Truman Arkest says what a lot of people are forgetting is that Captain Cook actually arrived with a carton of piss and was keen for a big hit out with the natives.

“What we have found is that Captain Cook actually rocked in with plans to make friends with everyone”

“The only reason he planted that huge British flag in the soil was because he wanted some shade while he crushed a couple cans with the boys in Botany Bay,”

While Indigenous historians tend to disagree with the with this particular recount, Mr Arkest says it’s common knowledge in Commonwealth circles that Captain Cook was a grouse bloke.

“He really was a good guy. Sure, he might’ve been a gatecrasher but he certainly wasn’t an invader. To compare him to COVID-19 is unfair. It was the first fleet that brought the smallpox and rapists that ravaged a 100,000-year-old culture. He can’t be directly blamed for that. He was a good bloke”

“He was the same with every ancient tribal nation he arrived at”

“The only reason those Hawaiians put a spear through his head is because he rocked up with a box of midstrength”


  1. On behalf of all Australians, especially Queenslanders, I would like to apologise to the First Australians for James Cook’s unacceptable breach of protocol and extraordinary lack of detailed programmatic specificity. The UN articles of diplomacy, the bedrock of Global civilization, currently under revision by my good self, clearly state the official libation of first meetings of this critical magnitude should be Bundys and coke with Castlemaine XXXX chasers, not the inferior Victoria Bitter, so beloved by the Left wing of the ALP.
    Yours, embarrassed,
    Kevin Rudd MP and PM (retired),
    United Nations,
    New York


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