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After realising that Australian politics was missing his wildly unhelpful input, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton has returned to breakfast television with another hot take about the opinion of an uppity female professional.
Dutton has joined a chorus of relevance-deficient conservatives condemning Victoria’s Deputy Chief Health Officer Annaliese van Diemen for her comparisons of Captain Cook’s arrival on Australian shores to the unwelcome spread of the coronavirus.
Conservative commentators around the country have also responded to the van Diemen’s comments with fury today – with many arguing that she is steering away from the acceptable, revisionist, recount of Australian history.
“I think this is just PC gone mad. What’s next? They want us to capitalise the word indigenous?” says one nameless Sky News commentator who has been estranged from every one of his daughters because he is generally unpleasant to be around.
“It’s not very healthy for us to change our entire understanding of Australian history purely just to include an Aboriginal perspective”
Even the Prime Minister has weighed in on this pointless news story aimed at diverting attention from Peter Dutton’s inability to stop the one boat that ever fucking mattered.
Government researcher, Truman Arkest says what a lot of people are forgetting is that Captain Cook actually arrived with a carton of piss and was keen for a big hit out with the natives.
“What we have found is that Captain Cook actually rocked in with plans to make friends with everyone”
“The only reason he planted that huge British flag in the soil was because he wanted some shade while he crushed a couple cans with the boys in Botany Bay,”
While Indigenous historians tend to disagree with the with this particular recount, Mr Arkest says it’s common knowledge in Commonwealth circles that Captain Cook was a grouse bloke.
“He really was a good guy. Sure, he might’ve been a gatecrasher but he certainly wasn’t an invader. To compare him to COVID-19 is unfair. It was the first fleet that brought the smallpox and rapists that ravaged a 100,000-year-old culture. He can’t be directly blamed for that. He was a good bloke”
“He was the same with every ancient tribal nation he arrived at”
“The only reason those Hawaiians put a spear through his head is because he rocked up with a box of midstrength”