Local Betoota Heights supermum, Andrea Temperance (45) agrees that this whole panic-buying thing is out of control.

It’s like, of all the things you would want to to stock up on before going into self-isolation – toilet paper would not be something you’d want a 6-month supply of.

“Like, seriously. Haha. It’s so hysterical” she says to the girls over coffee this afternoon.

But that’s only what she says to the girls.

Little does anyone in her social circle know she’s just completed the one and a half hour round trip to the CostCo at Pond Lakes, deep within Betoota’s rural outskirts.

What they also don’t know is she currently has 300 rolls of 4-ply toilet paper stashed in the Titan shed out the back of their family home. Guarded by two padlocks and chained up German Shepherd.

As her friends all giggle at the wild internet mob mentality that has resulted in a nationwide shortage of tissues and toilet paper, Andrea feels the blunt handle of her dacked switchblade press against her thigh.

Her upper-middle-class mummy circle don’t know the lengths she’s gone to in her insatiable desire to stock up on toilet paper. And they’ll never know. Unless they cross her in the CostCo aisles.

Her ankshay hasn’t been used yet, but Andrea has no doubt that she has what it takes to ching a rival panic-buyer. Of course, she doesn’t reveal this dark side to anyone else in her community. Not even her darling husband.

As the girls continue ridiculing the herd mentality of Australians panicking about contracting Coronavirus, Andrea snaps back into normal housemaker mode.

“Haha. It’s so funny” she says!

“I heard that the shops have run out of hand sanitiser too!”


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here