With less than a fortnight until he is scheduled to land in Glasgow to pretend he gives a fuck about the future of the planet, Prime Minister Scotty From Marketing is still waiting for his National Party colleagues to sign off on his plan to compromise literally every industry they’ve ever made promises to.

It is believed that Scotty will be asked by the inconveniently rural coalition partners to commit more funds to regional Australia in a new list of demands from Nationals MPs, who believe that tax-dodging multinational mining barons should be compensated for the fact that their industries have become outdated.

If the PM agrees to the terms, the Coalition could secure a deal by Sunday on climate change policy, clearing the way for a government to at least make a pledge to cut carbon emissions to net zero levels by 2050 – a recurring political obligation that has resulted in the ousting of 3 of the last 4 Prime Ministers.

Nationals MPs gave party leader Barnaby Joyce formal approval on Thursday night to broker the deal with Mr Morrison using a set of principles to guide the talks so rural and regional communities did not suffer from the impact on the coal and gas industries.

“Okay so how about this” said Joyce.

“I know the Nats are meant to represent the bush yada yada yada”

“But nowadays Aussie farmers are mostly depressed small business owners or major Chinese conglomerates”

“So we don’t really need to worry about what they think right now”

“So how about, to meet Net Zero we just put a bullet in the head of every cow and sheep. Grow a few trees in those paddocks… Then we’ve got plenty of room in the air for coal and gas… right?”

Keith Pitt, that new Nationals MP that has all of a sudden become a household name ever since he volunteered himself as the face of full blown scientific denialism says that maybe this ‘shoot all cows’ strategy might be the key to securing an agreement.

“Like lets be honest about our priorities here”

“Who gives a fuck about the farmers. They are too busy playing with drones and complaining about gas wells”

“If we can guarantee the acceleration of coal and gas… We’re all good”

“Open cut mines don’t need rain”


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