The Nation

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT In what has been hardly a slow start to the year for lovers of shit news, it has been confirmed that the Great Barrier Reef is on fire now too. With the loss of native animal life estimated to be over one billion, thousands of homes destroyed, over 30 lives lost and an estimated 5.22 million hectares burnt, the...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In news from the more populous parts of our country, almost everyone has forgotten how to drive again apparently. This comes as the Eastern Seaboard is currently being soaked like a Greek driveway, with huge rainfalls across New South Wales and Queensland. With nearly 75mls falling overnight in Sydney and the Northern Rivers of NSW getting almost...

EFFIE BATEMAN | BRISBANE| CONTACT Waterfront property homeowner Tom Bradley had been penning a poorly structured Facebook status about millennial snowflakes when he was momentarily distracted by the soothing sounds of breaking waves. Tired and unable to concentrate, Tom had slammed his Macbook Pro closed before heading over to the window to scream at the offending noise. In what might have been its...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT In some sad news from the cutthroat world of reality television, a Channel Nine producer is out of work today. The up and coming young producer working on Married At First Sight, which is now effectively the channel's flagship program, was shown the door after making a diabolical fuck up. Going against all of the shows well-defined rules,...

FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT Mere weeks after apparently single-handedly causing the massive bushfires that have devastated much of Australia, the Greens have now been linked to another major disaster; bird shit on Australia’s freshly-washed cars. Heavy machinery operator Brett Malaman was the first to make the connection shortly after washing his Hilux at the West Betoota Wash ‘n’ Buff. “Fucking unbelievable. Look...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Last night around eleven, Mark Rolands was sitting in the Betoota Heights McDonalds doing a bit of work over a thickshake and a box of nuggets. The Dulux Paint sales representative was about to make the short hop back down to his Old City home. He told our reporter that he often treats himself to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A Chinese-Australian currently stuck on Christmas Island has asked to be taken back to Wuhan today after seeing what this nation of our deems to be entertainment. Alistair Rhys-Perry passed through the epicentre of the deadly coronavirus last week on a tour of his family's factories across the Chinese countryside. In the hours before he was...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The technical team behind the disastrous Iowa Caucus count have apologised for their shortcomings and confirm that they used the same Packard Bell desktop computer that the Australian Government leased to run the 2016 census. Census night was an unbridled fuck up, even by Australian standards and the technical problems facing the Iowa caucus night...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to those in the know, Barnaby Joyce is only days away from becoming the Deputy Prime Minister. Another spill is imminent. But the pigeons of Canberra don't discriminate, they eat anybody's unguarded lunch. And Mr Joyce learned that the hard way today after coming out of the pissers at the Kingston Hotel this afternoon to...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact One of the hazards of being a public bar manager is dealing with people trying to sell you things you don't want or can't even contractually sell. That's according to Dennis O'Leary up at The Gelded Seahorse Hotel in Betoota Heights. The hospitality professional stood up while our reporter sat down opposite him at the...