Local Girl Holds Back Tears As Hairdresser Mistakes ‘Below The Shoulders’ For The Lord Farquaad
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactStaring at herself in the salon mirror as she wonders if she’s always been this ugly, Louisa Flynn finds her reverie briefly interrupted as the hairdresser asks her to clarify how much she wants chopped off.
“Below the shoulders thanks”, says Louisa, using her hands to indicate just how much she wants lobbed off, “I’d still like to...
Bloke Overcome With Urge To Message Ex After Fuckboy Tingle Alerts Him She May Be Moving On
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs he eagerly nods yes to offers of a knockoff beer (or two), local chippie Jacob Martin is suddenly overcome with a strange tingling on the back of his neck and a slow liquid warm sensation seeping through his body.
He should text Chloe and ask her how she is.
Despite being the one to instigate the breakup (by acting...
Woman Whose Car Tyres Are As Bald As The Rock Sees No Issue With Dropping $2k On A New Tattoo
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she looks in the mirror, local woman Lizzie Gordon comes to the shocking realisation that she hasn’t updated her appearance in at least six months. No changes in her hair colour, no new piercings.
And sadly, no new tattoos either.
If she was being honest with herself, Lizzie knows that this habitual urge to update her appearance usually...
“You Don’t Know My Story” Says Woman Who’s Plastered Every Last Minute Of Her Story On Facebook
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA mysterious woman has this week informed her followers that they might know her name, but they certainly do not know her story.
Taking to Facebook, Jasmine Hynes wrote a lengthy post detailing why people should keep their opinions of her to themselves, seeing as they apparently don’t know anything about her - despite her pretty much using...
Carlton Lose In The Most Carlton Way Possible
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
In some news from the world of Victorian Leg Tennis, the Carlton Football Club has turned in an absolute vintage performance this weekend, it can be confirmed.
The infamous club from Melbourne's inner city put on a clinic yesterday afternoon, to throw away their game against arch-rivals Collingwood.
Played in front of 88,000 teeth-gnashing Victorians, the club with...
Local Personal Trainer Sprays On Some Chinos For Rare Calorie-Charged Bucks Day At The Races
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
A local F45 franchise owner is sucking in the big ones this morning, as he attempts to squeeze his hulking, waxed legs into a pair of skinny chinos Gearing up for a rare calorie-charged day the races.
The Advocate understands goblet squat fanatic Adam Wahlberg (31) has decided to swap his daily Gymshark leggings for an...
Advice Column | Marie Kondo Your Life Savings And See If That Sparks Joy
DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | Contact
How does one become rich? Is it by having millions of dollars in the bank? Multiple properties and a multimillion dollar shares portfolio?
Yes it is.
But Australia’s foremost leading alternative financial medicine guru, Dr Chet Spevens who is me writing this now, doesn’t believe in all that mainstream mumbo-jumbo.
What if I was to tell you that everything...
Insurance Industry Think-Tank Asks Whether Summer Of Extreme Flooding Or Bushfire Is Preferred Option
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | CONTACT
In a moment of scintillating clarity, an insurance industry think-tank has today realised that there are only two meteorological options remaining for this once great country.
Summers of extreme flooding or summers of extreme bushfire. That’s all.
And it has scared the living ba’geezus out of them because it means insurance providers will have to fork out millions of their...
Dual Profile Pic Changes Suggest Childhood Sweethearts Have Finally Called It Quits
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some sadder news, it looks like 2022 has broken up yet another couple - Betoota French Quarter’s resident ‘couples goals’ Michelle Long and Brian Foster .
It’s alleged Michelle and Brian had met as children, when fate had them living just doors down from one another. After years of friendship, the two had naturally progressed into a...
City Girl Disappointed Rural Town Lacks Hunky Police Detective Solving Triple Murder Homicide Like In All The Books
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
A Sydney girl who moved to the bush looking for love is in for a shock today, as she comes to terms with a severe man-drought plaguing the town she’s found herself in.
After spending the whole 28 years of her life living in the leafy streets of Balmain in Sydney’s Inner West, it’s understood Registered...
