Local News

New Juicer Already On The Shelf

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As Paul Keating famously said during a speech to the UN back in 1993, Australia is so rich that everyone will own a juicer at some point in their lives. Today, his vision for the future has almost become a reality. However, in a report commissioned by the Australian Council Of Juice and Juicers , it's become apparent that this...

Local Dog Clearly Not Enjoying Run As Much As The Owner Is

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A popular local dog has revealed to The Advocate this afternoon that though he looks like he's enjoying himself when he's taken for a run - he doesn't actually like it that much. Bruce, a 10-year-old male canine of mix appearance, told our reporters that some days he just feels like taking it easy. "There are...

Local Feature Said To Be The Worst One Punter Has Ever Had

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact “This is bullshit,” he said. ”If only that was a coin, I’d be up a grand!” Sam Ellis has just been hard done by and this time - he thinks it’s petsonal. The 24-year-Old has just been screwed over by a pokie machine he though that was his friend but as it turns out, he was working...

Outrage As Justin Hemmes Swoops On Iconic Betoota Hotel

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Popular southern bar magnate Justin Hemmes is allegedly in talks with the owners of The Cashew & Pogostick Hotel in Betoota's Old City District - a move that has outraged locals. Many of the pub's patrons have voiced their disgust at the proposed sale, telling The Advocate that Hemmes is a 'pub wrecker' and that 'all...

Man With Lipstick Kiss Tattoo Surprisingly Not Getting Much

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | Contact In a recent drunken rant, Betoota local Richard Kelly (34) revealed that he hasn’t gotten laid in quite some time, a fact many have found surprising considering he has a ‘lipstick kiss’ tattooed on his neck. During a night of drinking with a group that has been described as “The Boys,” Kelly, after allegedly ingesting 21 bottles of Hahn Super...

Backwards Hat A Firm Indication Local Man Reckons He Must Be Pretty Good At Touch Footy

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact It has been confirmed today that Phil Thomas reckons he is pretty fucking good at touch footy. “Yeah I go alright champ,” he told The Advocate. The local accountant in The French Quarter laces on the boots every Monday night to light up his social mixed touch comp. The ex-Dolphins reserve grade winger rates himself as a speedster, a bit...

Man With Flat Phone Lies And Says He’ll Transfer Money For The Uber

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact As the night was coming to a close at the Dolphins Leagues Club in South Betoota, two toey humans decided the night wasn't over for them - they had to keep drinking. As the popular nightspot is quite isolated, Larry Pidgeon and Brett Frog decided to call an Uber. Except Larry, a 24-year-old local diesel fitter,...

Female Law Grad Applies For Capsicum Spray Permit Ahead Of Work Christmas Party

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet Reporter | Contact Sarah Harris likes to let her hair down. She likes to enjoy a drink. She likes to have a good time. She likes it when work picks up the bill, to thank her for working 10-12 hour days all year for the firm. However, more than all of these things - Sarah likes to feel safe. So ahead...

Terribly-Wrapped Present Obviously From Fuck-Up Of A Brother

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact When John Wilmott was 14, his older brother Mark was sent home from school for the last time. He was only months away from sitting his final high school exams when he was caught smoking and drinking alone on school grounds. Rather than provide counselling or even a swift, over-the-top punishment regime, his boarding school came...

Student Household Unveils Pathetic Christmas Tree

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Though money is tight and festive cheer is at an all-time low, a troupe of local students have attempted to bring joy into their filthy home by erecting a humble Christmas tree. But one man's humble is another man's pathetic. Speaking to The Advocate this morning, Macy Peterson, a second-year graphic design student at South Betoota...

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