Local News

Report: Star Sign Talk In Dating App Chat Saves Everyone Some Time

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTOne of our most precious resources has been correctly managed today.During a getting to know you chat on a popular dating app, app users Mel and Artie quickly identified their incompatibility by getting the star sign talk out of the way early.Once thought to be a humorous way to pass time in the office break room, in 2022...

Dad Appalled By The Amount Of Meat You’ve Left On That Drumstick

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTLocal dad Timothy Thomas (56) has been left wondering who in the hell he raised today after daughter Celia Thomas (16) left way too much meat on a drumstick.Although Timmy is usually known for picking a roast chook carcass clean enough to display in a museum, some takeaway nights he leaves meat distribution to his wife and kids.As...

Local Girl Panics After Finding Herself Halfway Through Extremely Keen Dork’s Instagram Stories

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA local woman has found herself in an anime style conundrum today after finding herself halfway through an extremely keen dork’s Instagram stories.Like anyone who is just waiting for the day to be over so we can all go home and feed our various addictions, local uni student Leah Carol (19) found herself looking through her Instagram stories.During...

Advice Column | How To Negatively Gear Your Tenant’s Dignity This EOFY

DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT Hi, I’m Dr Chet Spevens, property investor, intergenerational landlord, and finance expert. Through this column, I’ve been able to shift the dial on the conversation Australia is having with itself when it comes to wealth creation in this country. This week’s topic is in response to a wave of letters I received from landlords...

“You Gonna Eat That Bro?” Asks Local Garbage Bin With Legs

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | Contact A Betoota Heights pub has today been the scene for an interesting interaction between a human being and a garbage bin with legs. The incident took place a couple of hours ago, when a run-of-the-mill office guy named Brett was having lunch with a 29-year-old garbage bin he calls a friend. Sharing a long history together since primary school,...

Over The Top Parents Urged To Calm The Fuck Down About Book Week

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Emergency services are on stand-by outside The Betoota Base Public School this morning, as the grand finale of the 2022 Book Week gets underway. Fire Department Officials have been urged to crank on the hose and aim toward any melees that may arise between over-the-top parents. This year’s theme is “Dreaming with eyes wide open” – and kids right...

Woman In Situationship Positive If She Sleeps With Bloke Enough He’ll Eventually Come Round

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactSitting on her couch while she stares at her blank TV screen, local woman Anita Hartwig begins her most ambitious mental gymnastics yet - operation ‘get Tom to fall in love with me.’ Despite having a number of eager suitors who would happily give her the time and effort she longs for, Anita finds herself enthralled with yet another...

Bank Of Mum & Dad Homeloan Application Includes Strict Grandchildren Clause

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT With higher interest rates resulting in a reduced borrowing capacity, and the whole housing market already being a massively overpriced chode to begin with, loan applications at the Bank of Mum & Dad are at an all-time high. However, would-be borrowers are finding strict clauses written into their verbal contracts including the production of grandchildren, like right away. One couple...

Woman Embarks On Ambitious Campaign To Get Mate To Join Her For Pole Dancing Lessons

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA local woman has this week attempted to get yet another girlfriend involved in pole dancing lessons, which is estimated to be the third person she’d asked that month. Vanessa Tilly states that she was inspired to take up pole dancing after seeing some impressive videos on Tik Tok, but that she’d been too timid to try the...

Local Woman’s Bottom Drawer Final Resting Place For Clothes She Couldn’t Be Fucked Sending Back

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs she tries on some of the clothes she’s received with her latest ASOS haul, local woman Dimity Bishop is appalled to discover that yet again, half of them don’t fit. Somehow, they’re either too big or too small, despite them all being the same fucking size. You would think that Dimity would have learnt her lesson, seeing as...

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