Headlines

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local Christian pro-life activist has today said enough is enough, after being told he might no longer be able to tell at-risk and vulnerable women undergoing pregnancy terminations that his religion thinks they are despicable sluts. It comes as the Public Health Amendment (Safe Access to Reproductive Health Clinics) Bill 2018 was introduced to NSW Parliament. The bill would...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A CBD truck crash this morning has disappointingly been put down to a 35-year-old Maori bloke playing Candy Crush while driving, after every single field reporter in the city rushed to the scene. Witnesses were pressed to give answers that insinuated that the driver may have not had a shave in a while, and was screaming in another language...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT As the mercury dips to uncomfortably low numbers across most of the state, the proud people of Queensland are once again learning that they need to take Winter a bit more seriously. As the second-largest and third-most populous state in the Commonwealth of Australia, with tropical islands bordering both north and east, Queenslanders never really get around to acknowledging that...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT After finally getting his hands on the aux cord, local bender-rat Nicko is now acutely aware that his obscure choice in music could either make or break the vibe, as the kick-on pushes past sunrise. This comes after Nicko's several attempts at interrupting the roaring conversations and amateur DJing to play this cool new song that he's discovered throughout...

A random American TV actor from a show you watched for a couple seasons a few years back has been arrested by UK Immigration after a melee in Heathrow airport this afternoon. The actor, who you only know by his character name has been held indefinitely while atheist crown’s police assess his visa status. It is not yet known what has...

KENT REGINALD | Entertainment | CONTACT A local Betoota woman and ‘citizen of the world’ has hit the Bumble jackpot this week after crafting a perfectly unique and alluring Bumble bio where she mentions how much she loves laughing and travel, in an attempt to set herself apart from all of the other women on the dating app. Hannah Brisby, a 27 year old artisanal...

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT Hobbyist magician Alexander Eisenhoof (38) has performed his greatest illusion to date by making any chance he had of ever finding a girlfriend disappear. The part-time magician who goes by the name Alex Kazam says he cannot reveal how he did this trick (for fear of violating the Magician’s Code) but hinted that his use of...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Local clubrat, Andrew Doofman (24) has shown that he knows how to show the necessary etiquette to the brave men wearing liquorice coloured shirts this evening. Despite spending just about every weekend for the last six years hitting the same strip of nightclubs in Betoota's Woolclassing District, Andrew has never once been pretzeled by a seccie. This is because...

Disney have today released a statement officially congratulating their long-time rivals, Disney, on breaking Box Office records with the release of Disney's The Avengers: Infinity War. The blockbuster cinematic spectacle, release just two weeks ago and yet already one of the highest grossing movies of all time, beat out Disney’s Star Wars; The Force Awakens, as the fastest ever movie...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Mum doesn't often treat herself to offloading domestic duties. Sometimes dad picks up the slack, sometimes one of the kids does, but mostly she wears it all herself. In fact, she often isn't content in watching anyone else do it and will often take control. However, once a month the folks treat themselves to a house cleaner. This is when...