IN-Focus

WALLY GRANGE | West End | CONTACT A together young couple from coveted suburb of West End spoke to The Advocate regarding a night of peril at the hands of an an online order gone wrong. Sally Bonds and her ‘partner in crime’ Matthew Fassbender were nursing hangovers on Sunday after a night sipping Pinot Noir whilst compassionately solving the world’s problems over a “gorgeous”...

Below you will find The Onion’s official statement on its recent and startling encounter with fellow news organization The Betoota Advocate. We stumbled upon the publisher when preparing for our appearance at the Sydney Opera House’s Antidote Festival. Readers should be advised that the following account includes disturbing descriptions of lesser journalism. Throughout its storied 252-year history,  The Onion has...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Dakota's Lennon world has been rocked. All those hours painting placards and shouting in the street, wasted. Because after years of committing welfare fraud while at university, after a lifetime of protesting for the environment and political freedoms, the 24-year-old just tasted whale for the first time. "Holy shit," he said. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! It's so fucking tender -...

WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT After a big couple of days at work, local publicist Grace Leigh was left feeling like an afternoon nap would be the best thing in the world today. With droopy eyelids and a light head, the young woman stumbled through her bedroom door and collapsed on the bed. Knowing full well that she often wakes from an arvo...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT Aunty Stace was once featured as Picture Magazine's favourite self-submitted amateur pornographic subject, it has been confirmed. While it has been mentioned by the rest of the family, after a long barbecue, several times over the last couple years - today it was brought up by her husband Jocko, who does this time to time. "Shoulda seen her. I'm lucky...

EMMIS TILLTON | Local | CONTACT In a complete break from protocol it is believed policeman Michael Suidae removed his bad arse oakley sunglasses, unpuffed his chest and spoke to driver Ben Hampton in a normal, non-condescending way. "He just came up to me and asked me how I was going and whether I knew that that the speed limit had changed in...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A trainee doctor currently working on prac at The Betoota Royal Hospital has been stood down today, pending an investigation into him wearing blue denim jeans and black leather shoes. The trainee, Macca, who hopes to specialise in intensive care, was called into his superiors office this morning after a complaint was made to HR concerning his innapropriate...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Australia's peak scientific body, the CSIRO, announced this morning to the media that they've developed a long black coffee that's 'immediately consumable to the consumer.' In what's being heralded as the culinary breakthrough of the week, researchers have told journalists that the drink comes out of the sadistically machine hot but by the time it...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT State police departments across Australia have today admitted that they can't even tell when people are using mobile phones, if they hold them in their laps. "It's just too hard" said a spokesman for Queensland Police. "It's fucked. It's so hard to tell" "Back in the day we could always tell when people were on the phone because they had...

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A local millennial is under the impression that some of the big nights he's been having are bigger than any other bender that's ever happened in the world. "It was huge, man" Ludwig Kiriakoff (19) posted on Facbook. "I deadset don't know how I bended through to the next day. It was so big man" "You should have seen Jordie....