IN-Focus

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT A government employee who's entire livelihood depends on delivering media content to a vast range of Australians, both geographically and demographically, has today chortled to herself while declaring she doesn't have the faintest idea about how to reach 92% of the population. It is a growing attitude held by well-looked after Generation X employees both within the public broadcaster...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact It was an offer too good to refuse, according to a spokesman from the Commonwealth Games. After a fierce battle between rival networks, Channel Seven has come out on top after offering Games executives a 6-pack of Oettinger Pilsners, a popular beer among students and value seekers. Seven reportedly countered the Nine Network's offer of a soiled pair of Diesel jeans...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The hottest new agency in Betooticon Valley bought a display motorcycle for their reception area today, ushering a new era of cool. Branlette Mouille has overtaken Clemenger Betoota BBDO as the hippest, most-in-demand agency in town and many in the local industry suspect it might have something to do with the Yamaha Cruiser they've just put in reception. Prospective clients have...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Denise Coleman, who left Betoota during the Great Brain Drain of 2004, said she's beginning to regret her decision to move to the Harbour capital. She saw the city as Australia's only truly international city, a place where she could put her hard-won commerce degree to good use. So she took the plunge and moved down there with an overnight...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact A few short years ago, Marty Dollarhyde was playing Golden Oldies league with his old Betoota Dolphins teammates from the late 1960's. He's given that way now, his knees and hips are simply shot. But back then, that didn't stop the barnstorming 70-year-old from putting the shoulder into a broken body or two. His friends and family laughed and giggled when...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact Despite claims that his 'olive skin' tans and doesn't burn, a local moron is determined to prove himself right this afternoon, refusing the offer of sunscreen from a friend. "I don't burn," said Matthew Stick, a person who works in an office and gets paid monthly. "There's Mediterranean blood in me. We don't need sunscreen, just a little tanning oil and...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact New Zealand's shot put medal hopes have been put firmly on the shoulders of Barnaby Joyce, as he qualified for the event this afternoon in Auckland. Joyce, who supports his athletic career by moonlighting as Australia's Deputy Prime Minister, is reportedly both 'chuffed' and 'fucking stoked' to represent his father's birthplace in the upcoming Gold Coast Commonwealth Games. "Should be...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact According to Mark Rogers, somebody always has to pay because nothing in this world comes free. Today, the person who pays is him. Despite saving a bit of money by having their wedding on a Thursday, Julie (nee Rogers) and Sam Heshan still wanted the nuptials of their dreams. Which is a bit more expensive than applying...

A fine film of dust on Justin Cole's recently purchased gym membership has signalled the beginning of the end for the social media executive, whose 'new year, new me' mantra is in disarray barely 24 hours into 2018. The 27-year-old former flanker had the shock of his life when he couldn't zip up his once snug size 38 G-Star Raw...

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact The warm fuzzy feeling that Simon Clarke was supposed to get when his boss told him, 'you're doing a real good job by starting early,' has been predictably vacant. He was the only person dressed in a suit this morning as he rode the D45 into the Financial District from his seemingly overpriced and filthy...