A fine film of dust on Justin Cole’s recently purchased gym membership has signalled the beginning of the end for the social media executive, whose ‘new year, new me’ mantra is in disarray barely 24 hours into 2018.
The 27-year-old former flanker had the shock of his life when he couldn’t zip up his once snug size 38 G-Star Raw jeans, instead forced to meet the lads at the local in ruggers that left little to the imagination.
Cole’s gradual weight gain forced his long-time girlfriend, Mary Hope, to buy him a not-so-subtle Fitness First membership for Christmas.
Things started promisingly for the one-time stud muffin, but after two days of rabbit food and one brutal cardio session at his local gym at the top of Struggle Street, the excuses started flooding in as Cole started to relapse hard.
“I pulled up really sore on the 28th [of December] so I couldn’t go to the gym,” he said.
“I then had Damo’s birthday and I couldn’t say no to wings night on the Saturday. I set myself a limit for New Year’s, but let’s be realistic; I’m only human.”
The loose unit split a case of Betoota’s finest ale with Damo before impressing the other partygoers with his stunning takedown of eight Jager Bombs before the midnight fireworks.
While his drinking brightened up the mood at the couple-dominated event in the swanky suburb of Betoota Grove, his fellow guests were shocked by his vacuum-like powers in the kitchen as he polished off seven lamb skewers and five sausages without so much as looking at the salad Ms Hope had prepared earlier that day.
Hope, who was on call at the hospital that night, returned from her nursing shift the following morning to find her boyfriend passed out surrounded by Burger Rings crumbs.
“I used to be the envy of all the other girlfriends when he was captain of thirds,” she said with a pang of disappointment in her voice.
“Now I feel embarrassed to take photos with him. The jealous comments have dried up and the likes have dwindled on my Facebook posts…don’t even get me started on Instagram. They don’t have a filter to fix up that fat mess.”
