LOUIS BURKE | Pubs | CONTACT
Australian Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing is leading the preferred party leadership polls after switching things up and deciding to spend a crisis in the country he has been elected to run for a change.
Although Scotty has received praise from all news and media outlets, including even those who don’t invite him to their golf and human-hunting weekends, he still cannot shake the blatant corruption of the Sports Rorts Affair.
Coming to light in January 2020, the Sports Rorts Affair saw funds from Turnbull era sports grants distributed towards clubs and organisations in marginal Liberal seats in a move so predictable that political analysts called it back in 2015.
In at least ten cases, tax-payer funded grants were given to clubs and organisations which included at least one coalition MP, proving that at least some clubs with a culture problem were given financial assistance.
Due to the January bushfires and COVID-19 pandemic, the coalition government is yet to answer questions regarding the rort or even dole out just one absentee father style slap on the wrist that has made this government great.
At least until now.
Speaking at one of his many ‘transformative pop-up press conference style experiences’ Scotty from Marketing decided to set the record straight about the sports rorts affair in a language his voters could understand.
“The pubs are opening guys! How good?” stated the PM, before holding the microphone to the audience as if anticipating they would chime back with ‘so good.’
“Maybe we didn’t help every electorate but every electorate has a pub, that’s a fact. I think the most Australian thing you can do is forget the rorts, get the sauce!”
“I, like many Australians are looking forward to drinking a whole schooner of Coopers Light in its entirety, as the saying goes.”
When asked when he would take action on the scandal that he is giving less recognition to than a Schwarzenegger love child, Scotty announced he was proud to have found out Labor did a similar thing once, at some point.
“So look, that clears that up. Either you’re OK with it or a hypocrite. Plain and simple.”
“But really, who wants to talk about silly sports when there are pubs? I mean, not silly, I like sports, go Sharkoes, go Origin. Hey, sports and pubs should go together, has anyone ever thought about that?”
MORE TO COME