ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Prime Minister has once again made changes to the way in which Australians deal with the spicy cough – this time, transport workers were given new guidelines.
In order to ease the strain on the nation’s supply chains, Scott Morrison announced that transport workers are no longer deemed to be close contacts unless they have full-blown pashed another human who’s a positive case.
“These new rules in regards to close contacts should be make it easier to understand for those affected by the new guidelines,” said Morrison.
“So if you are, a, uh, transport worker, you are, uh, not a close contact, uh, no, you are, wait, oh, no you are not a close contact unless you have kissed a person on the mouth with your tongue, now I need to make it emphatically clear, if there was no tongue then you can go straight back to work. Don’t worry. But if your tongues touched then I’m afraid you’re going to have to take a RAT test and if it’s positive, you will have to sit on the sidelines for a week,”
“Now, all you need to return to work is a negative RAT test. But if you simply couldn’t help yourself and have pashed another person with this so-called virus, then I’m afraid you’ll have to start agian,”
“This is Australia living with the virus. Oh, wait. Uh. These rules only apply if you pash someone on the weekend and it’s raining. So make sure you keep that in mind, we need to keep Australians fed.”
The other Paul Kelly said the same thing verbatim then left with the Prime Minister.
More to come.