RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

Historical records have proven that back in the year of our Lord 2020, Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg bought a 36% stake in F45. 

The Advocate can confirm that it even made sense at the time. A sexy gymnasium training brand joining forces with a wildly successful movie star known for his love of the gym. Let’s face it, it is not a Mark Wahlberg movie unless the megastar takes his shirt off and reveals his glistening six pack.

However, while Wahlberg has made dozens of fantastic films that have performed incredibly well at the box office, his foray into the world of business has now been declared the worst decision he’s made since ‘The Happening’.

Only two years ago, F45 debuted on Wall St with a $2B valuation. Fast forward to today and the worthless F45 juggernaut is locked in a death spiral as franchise owners attempt to flee and once devout customers drop the expensive gym amidst a global cost of living crisis. 

If Rotten Tomatoes critiqued business performance, it would surely give F45 the same score that it gives The Happening, a generous 18% out of 100. Coincidently, 18% is the same percentage that the F45 brand is losing in terms of valuation each and every day.

Not even diehard fans of The Happening’s producer, writer and director, M. Night Shyamalan, could pretend that The Happening was a good film. So to even the most devout F45 gym junkie can today say they like what they’re seeing with the brand’s destroyed reputation.

It is understood that Marky Mark was last seen undertaking a fun and fast 45-minute brainstorming session to not only burn fat and build muscle through functional thought processing, but to also think of a way out of this mess he has got himself into.

The Advocate desperately hopes that he doesn’t decide to make a sequel to The Happening to get himself out of this. Dear God.


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