ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The Coalition’s money men have earmarked further spending in these last days of the election campaign for whatever their internal focus groups indicate is the most popular thing to spend it on.
Speaking to the media this morning from Canberra, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg and Finance Minister Simon Birmingham put forward their plan to make sure they get re-elected.
“We have set aside a large sum of money, in the billions,” said Frydenberg while Simon provided handclaps.
“For whatever our focus groups tell us is the best way to spend it. If they come back and say they want more money for health in Queensland, that’s where it’s going,”
“Or if they want to replace those extremely cringe bus tram things in Adelaide with a nice new light rail system, then we can arrange that, too. In Perth, if they want a new frisbee golf park or whatever those freaks do over there in their downtime, we can sort them out, pronto,”
“Because that is the magic focus groups. They tell you what is most popular and that’s what we, the Coalition, like to throw money at. Things that are popular.”
The Treasurer handed over to Simon Birmingham, who stopped providing handclaps and put his glasses on to read from the teleprompter.
“We are committed to providing a stable future for all Australians!” he shouted at an antisocial volume.
“Oh sorry, there was an exclamation mark there. We are all for responsible and smart spending. Thank you and up the Hawks, I think.”
More to come.
