Melbourne Cocaine Dealers Praised For Bold Transition To Recyclable Single-Use Baggies

Melbourne Cocaine Dealers Praised For Bold Transition To Recyclable Single-Use Baggies


Following the news from supermarket giants Woolworths and Coles that single-use plastic bags will be a thing of the past at the checkouts within the next 12 months, renegade Channel 10 panelist and light-entertainment virtue signaler Waleed Aly has congratulated all of those who got behind his #BanTheBag petition.

In a shock announcement on Friday afternoon, Woolworths revealed it would join Coles, Harris Farms and Aldi, by announcing plans to begin phasing out the bags in supermarkets, Big W and BWS stores, with a total ban in place by June 30 next year.

However, it isn’t just big business that has stuck their neck out for the environment, with the nation’s small businesses and criminal networks also declaring a move towards more sustainable options.

During his weekly monolog about what he would like to change in the world, Waleed Aly has today praised Melbourne’s coke dealers for their bold move to brown paper baggies.

“As the first city to provide a sustainable alternative for their customers, Melbourne’s coke dealers have set a trend” he said.

“No longer will nightclub sinks and urinals be forced to swallow waste which inevitably ends up in our oceans”

“We are just waiting for the other states to follow. This isn’t necessarily something that our Premiers can help with, but it is worth making a phone call to your local dealer”

Local cocaine user and social media activist, Jimmy, says he was more than willing to make the transition to wax paper baggies.

“There’s enough guilt as it is when I rack up a big line in the disabled toilets at work drinks”

“I don’t feel good about leaving a toilet meant for people with physical difficulties occupied. I also don’t like thinking about the men, women and children that have died at the hands of cartels so that this cocaine could end up on the back of my iPhone”

“But at least I know I won’t be responsible for the death of a baby turtle with a snap bag”


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