Turns Out That Grape-Flavoured Jelly Bean Was Actually A Liquorice One

"This is as bad as it gets"

Turns Out That Grape-Flavoured Jelly Bean Was Actually A Liquorice One

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Peter Greenholm didn’t just stumble upon a YouTube clip of people graphically breaking bones, nor has he eaten any bad oysters lately.

The 32-year-old people power campaigner accidentally bit down on a liquorice jellybean while catching up on Stranger Things in a darkened room.

Thinking it was a delicious grape-flavored purple bean, he popped it into his gob and started chewing.

Four seconds later, he knew he’d made a huge mistake.

Running for the door, he was caught short. His first regurgitation came up without much warning and plastered the living room door with the mango pop tarts he’d had for afternoon tea.

Struggling to twist the vomit-slicked doorknob, Grossholm finally worked the lock and collapsed on the deck of his parents home, where he still lives.

“This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, worse than the time I got caught by the police feeding rice to pigeons then watching them writhe around in agony,” he said.

“Honestly, as a white young millennial male, this is a bad as life can get.”

When asked if he was planning to clean up the mess, Peter said he didn’t plan on it.

“Are you deaf? Didn’t I just tell you what happened to me?”

“Mum will clean it up.”

More to come.

 

3 Responses to "Turns Out That Grape-Flavoured Jelly Bean Was Actually A Liquorice One"

  1. Ge   November 10, 2016 at 7:34 pm

    That’s #DanTheMan from The Slow Mo Guys

    Reply
  2. gravy   November 11, 2016 at 12:29 am

    This is great work fellas, just top notch. This is not sarcastic.

    Reply
  3. Pudenda Non Grata   November 11, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    “……while catching up on Narcos in a darkened room…….”

    http://sterculianrhetoric.blogspot.ca/2016/04/fun-with-retarded-brits.html

    Anonymous said…
    I’d say woman under thirty. A preposterous self confidence only alumni of North East Ivy leaguer’s or alien Oxbridge provenance – would possess maybe but of Caribbean extraction (and maybe lived over here a tad) She has never been near a working ward or a grindstone come to that but probably knows someone close who did.

    Narcissistic, endless propensity for self love, self promotion – probably an only child and always with the Socialistas conscience, so twee but knows not of hard graft, sooo daddy’s money will sort all those blues out.
    Nothing better to do, idle hands and with a big gob, wind up and is her secret thrill.
    27 February 2016 at 00:02

    Blogger Sterculian Rhetoric said…
    Dearest Anonymous @ 27 February 2016 at 00:02

    Lord T’underin’ Jaysus B’y, but are you off the mark.

    I am Asian and born 1979 in the country formerly known as Burma while me Mam was peddling her ass “on the road to Mandalay” and me Pa was being anal raped by Aung San Suu Kyi and her kin. So as a S.L.O.R.C. enthusiast by default (“cause we hate Suu Kyi and her half-breed crotch fruit), it is unlikely I would have Socialist sympathies. I gots me no book learnin’ but I wrangled me 8 letters after my name and 2 before it by fellating the right people in the frozen wastelands of Soviet Canuckistan(That’s Canada for you retards) after I emigrated from Myanmar via Paris,France and Bogota, Colombia settling in Toronto, Canada.
    No family money, but I did make a few bob peddling my ass and coca in Bogota for a few years. I still to this day curse my youth for being too young to have appreciated my meetings with Pablo Escobar.

    Nu?
    You were wrong on all counts except the narcissist bit. And you sir, are my able Enabler.
    Oh and the self-love bit too, I’ve oft’ been accused of engaging in acts preparatory to Onanism. You know, polishing the pearl, slapping the little man in the canoe? The Queen’s is such a wonderfully idiomatic language for describing those sorts of activities – ain’t it great?

    You completely forgot arrogant too!
    I am woefully arrogant – and for very good reason if I might add. You sir, conversely, are a modest man, also for good reason.

    Innit?
    27 February 2016 at 01:10

    Reply

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