During his current visit to India to meet with state leaders and the humble director of our government’s favourite multinational mining corporation, Guatam Adani, Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has quickly signed off on the coal magnates request to use up to six CH-47 Chinook heavylift helicopters to briefly airlift Uluru. Just in case there is any coal underneath.

“You are quite lucky that Australia is currently knees-deep in an innovation boom” he told Mr Adani.

“We can easily sign off on such innovative ideas like this, providing they provide jobs and growth”

Northern Territory locals awoke this morning to see the natural wonder of the world already hovering up to fifty metres above the ground, while coal exploration agencies quickly dug through the soft red soil in search of any minerals that could be imported to India for 10% of the price that an Australian company could sell them for.

Both sides of government were unable to to give comment in regards to whether or not there was any coal underneath Uluru, with one Turnbull staffer claiming that it was no one’s business how the Government decides to chase economic sugarhits.

Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has wholeheartedly defended the airlift, telling Radio National that Australians should support it because they are “citizens of the world” and warning those that oppose fossil fuels “if you live with the butterflies, you will die with the butterflies”.

“Our Government only had to kick in $1 billion to help lift that thing, and we’ll make at least four times that when they Indians start digging coal out of it.

Back in India, other topics of discussion included Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s assurance to senior executives from Adani that native title issues threatening the Indian multinational’s proposed $21 billion Carmichael coal mine in Queensland’s Galilee Basin will be ‘fixed’.

“As long as you fill the hole back up in sixty years, after tearing out all of the coal, I don’t think the blacks will have too much of an issue”

“As for the reef. Well, hopefully we can keep finding ways to talk about ISIS until the nearby industry and rising water temperatures kill it off for good”

“If the blackfellas can’t stop Carmicheal, don’t think the tree huggers will be able to [laughter]”



Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here