RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

The sprawling government apparatus that administers the day to day livelihoods of all 38 million Canadians has just recorded its most efficient and effective week of operations since the Country was first established in 1867.

The smooth governance comes after 155,000 public servants went on strike to demand the usual shit like more money, better pay, higher fiscal return and larger financial reward for the same or less work.

The union representing the workers, the Public Service Alliance of Canada (PSAC), had hoped that by going on strike the Feds would quickly accede to their demands after realising how invaluable public servants are in keeping the things that Canadians take for granted running smoothly.

Things like red tape, convoluted and illogical bureaucratic processes, car parking tickets and taxes.

However in a startling turn of events, it appears that by cleansing the levels of government of a good hundred thousand or so of its entitled public servants, it turns out that the State is functioning a whole lot better without them.

“It’s actually taking aboot half the time it usually does for us to make decisions now that aboot half of us are on strike,” Ottawa Mayor Mark Sutcliffe told the Advocate in his silly Canadian accent.

“Without so many talking heads in the room, we’re just getting on with it,” he continued with that floppy head of his.

The improved governance is a thorn in the side of PSAC President Chris Aylward, who could’ve swore that getting his soldiers to go on strike would’ve led to a complete shutdown of Canadian civilisation as they knew it.

“Yea we’ve just aboot moosed ourselves out of a job, ey beaver,” he said Canadianley. 

“We’ve got maple syrup all over our faces with this one, no doot aboot it.”

As the strike continues, Handsome Man and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has called for calm, pleading with both sides to act in good faith for a mutually beneficial outcome.

“We Canadians learn from a young age that you can’t shove a beaver’s dam into a moose’s head dress, and it’s the same with hockey,” he told a media scrum this morning. “The same rules apply to these negotiations.”

More to come.


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