Almost all restrictions on licensed venues around Australia have been pulled back today, just in time for one of the booziest days of the year.

In New South Wales, residents can finally stand at the bar and enjoy a cold one – as the state government comes good on their promise to let the Irish go mad just in time for St Patrick’s Day festivities.

In Queensland, the shitty replica Irish pubs are already packed with

In Perth, Australia’s most Irish city, the songs are already starting to switch from nostalgic homeland anthems to rather provocative IRA rebel ballads.

On top of the country’s huge population of Irish migrants, the celebrations are also being joined in by our nation’s ‘Plastic Paddys’ – fourth of fifth-generation Australians who cling to their vague Irish heritage to fill a cultural deficit created by an education system designed to ignore the existence of Aboriginal people.

In one of Betoota’s most soulless suburban Hillsong enclaves today, proud local Aussie Grantley Lomax (44) is celebrating his most likely protestant Irish roots.

“Kiss me I’m Irish! Haha” shouts Grantley, as he fills up a pint glass with a generic dark ale.

Aside from when he’s at the pub watching Conor McGregor fights at the pub on the big screen, St Paddy’s day marks the only time of the year when Grantley is vocal about his ties to Ireland and Irish culture – and by culture he means drinking.

This annual fenian overhaul marks a considerable turnaround for Grantley, and millions of other Australians, after spending last week defending the British Royal family from that ghastly ‘American’.

Like many Australians currently dressed in green, Grantley is completely unaware of the fact that most people celebrating today’s holiday have absolutely nothing nice to say about that same Queen that remained silent during nearly a century of British military conflict in the six counties of Ulster.

When asked where his family come from in Ireland, Grantley says it’s hard to know.

“Like, most Aussies are Irish”

“It’s a big part of our culture” says the same bloke who chose not to watch the Indigenous vs Maori All Stars NRL match last month because he had no one to cheer for.


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