Several scientists from the CSIRO have today released images that accurately show what the iconic Brisbane River would look like had Queenslanders never been put in charge of maintaining it.

Lead researcher, Professor Mal Tuquiri says it’s probably a good thing that no one knows how badly polluted the river is, and how beautiful it once was.

“Essentially, what we have found is that if Queensland never decided to build their state capital on its banks… This place would look like an actual tropical estuary… Instead of the choccie milk colour we are used to”

The photos – which show a pristine, sparkling blue body of water in what is usually a brown sludgy channel of muck, unsuitable for children – have been described by members of the local Aboriginal community as a cruel throwback to life before the colonial polluters.

“How the fuck do they manage to keep the Sydney Harbour so blue?” said a confused QLD Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk, after being handed the photos during a press conference.

“I’ve thought about this before. Our river is pretty brown, hey”

“But I guess things are just different in Queensland. Not many places in the world have white coral reefs, either”

However, local punter Wally Castlemaine-Perkins (35) says even if they could make the river blue again, he wouldn’t want to.

“It’s called the Brown Snake for a reason mate”

“It’s our pride and joy… The brown water that flows through it is a sign of our progress as a Northern Empire”

“The dredging, the non-stop water traffic, the flash flooding… It’s a big part of who we are”

“It’s the lifeblood of this city. The heart of Queensland”



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