ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Premier Dan Andrews has apologised unreservedly to the people of Mildura today after he learned they’re actually part of Victoria and have been subject to the state’s harsh lockdown measures this whole time.

It’s understood by The Advocate that Mr Andrews was under the impression that Mildura was in South Australia and not the gateway to his state’s Mallee region.

“Today, my team informed me that Mildura is not in South Australia,” he said.

“My government has been forming policy regarding the lockdown without taking places like Mildura into account. For that, I would like to apologise on behalf of my government to the people of Mildura who’ve had to suffer under these lockdown measures for no express purpose,”

“It pains me to think that the people of Mildura haven’t been able to enjoy the small things, such as going over the bridge to Buronga to see the new IGA. They haven’t been able to head out to Wentworth for the day to check out the paddle steamer museum and pick up a set of bent antique spoons at Wheeldon’s. It’s probably the longest anyone in Mildura has gone without taking some old cardboard out to the Perry Sandhills for a slidey McSlide slide,”

“I hope lifting some of these lockdown measures will restore some sense of normality to their lives.”

One of Premier Andrews’ advisors then pulled him to one side and whispered in his ear briefly.

“OK, I’ve just been told none of those places and things I just mentioned are in Victoria, either. They’re in New South Wales. God. So I hope people in Mildura are just happy with being able to go to a cafe again.”

He then called an end to the press conference.

More to come.


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