ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

From her apartment in the old Resch’s Brewery in Redfern, Sydney’s Lord Mayor Clover Moore has spent nearly twenty years staring out the window at a golf course across the street with pensive frustration.

The area has seen rampant and unfettered development since 2000, bringing tens of thousands of new residents into an area of Sydney that still, to this day, has little to no appropriate public infrastructure. Demand for green space is forcing the City of Sydney and the NSW Government to act.

“The people of Redfern and Zetland need a place for their dogs to take a shit,” said NSW Premier Chris Minns at a press conference regarding the future of Moore Park Golf Club.

“We are taking half of this public golf course and turning it into a glorified canine toilet. We are also making sure to remove the ugly poor people from Waterloo. They won’t be here to enjoy it.”

Mayor Moore was also present at that press conference. The reference to miniature dachshunds defecating on a repurposed golf course made her giggle.

“Sydney’s Lord Mayor has suffered the indignity of living next to a golf course without having the necessary hand-eye coordination to enjoy it. Torturous,” he added.

“While I would’ve liked to repurpose The Australian, I live in the real world where that’s just not an option. We should actually turn every golf course in Sydney into medium-density living space, but unfortunately, Albo is cramming more and more people into this fucking open-air sewer of a city every day, so it’s Meriton jungles forever, I’m afraid.”

However, Sydney’s own Gaddafi wanted to try the sport that old barge-arse men have made their own before the course across the street was gone forever.

“Mark Wahlberg’s impassioned speech to save Moore Park Golf Club inspired me to at least try the sport before this place becomes a dog toilet,” said Moore to The Advocate this morning via mobile phone.

“I enjoy his films.”

After completing the front nine, Moore rang The Advocate’s newsroom with a surprising confession.

“I’ve made a grave error,” she added.

“I drew my drive up the fourth about 260 up the left-hand side, leaving me about 220 to the front edge of the green. It kind of popped up a bit in the first cut, so I pulled the 1 iron and ripped it into the heart of the green,”

“Do you stupid lefties know how that feels?”

More to come.


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