Local inner-city leftie, Jeremy Fitzperdown (35) says he’s all for public housing, but seriously?

After three years in Betoota’s rapidly gentrifying French Quarter, Jeremy says he knows this place almost better than anyone, even better than the families down the street that have lived in the same public housing flats for generations.

But today he’s really being tested.

The freelance policy advisor for independent environmental groups that exist purely so that corporations can say they have a smaller carbon footprint then they actually do, says he knows what he moved into, but seriously? It’s getting a bit much.

This comes after Jeremy spent roughly 130 minutes trapped inside his gorgeous Victorian inner-city terrace house this afternoon, after a possibly violent and presumably drug-addicted man fell asleep near his front door.

After having to reschedule a coffee date and trip to the gym, Jeremy had hoped he’d be able to walk outside now without any drama – But he’s still there. Right near where he would have to walk.

While peeking out the top floor window, Jeremy lets out a big sigh – as though the vulnerable welfare-dependent underclass that he chose to live alongside had let him down for the last time.

“I mean, this guy isn’t even from here. He’s clearly homeless…” mutters Jeremy, in an acidic tone that only comes out when the socio-economic issues he fetishes actually become inconvenient.

“I just don’t want to go outside, for fear of him doing some rash… He doesn’t look well. It’s best to avoid him.. But, I just…”

Jeremy begins to huff and puff as he does his very best to not say something extremely LNP-sounding. His efforts are for nothing.

“I JUST WISHED THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEIR PROBLEMS INTO MY STREET!” he shouts, before making his way into the stone-top kitchen for another less than satisfactory Nespresso pod.

Our reporters were able to later establish that the vagrant sleeping outside Jeremy’s house was an underpaid and exhausted UberEats cyclist who had collapsed shortly after delivering Jeremy a pho without being offered any eye contact.


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