JASON BARRY | Victorian Leg Tennis | Contact

“Oh dear God please don’t let it happen.”

This and similar despairing prayers have been collectively launched this week from AFL fans to the Footballing Gods in response to Collingwood’s unstoppable march towards destiny awaiting them in the last weekend of September.

“They’ve been the best team all year,” one non-Collingwood supporter admitted under his breath to the Advocate. “The way they play is irresistible,” another footy head who hates the black and white confessed.

Yes, unfortunately for every footy fan out there who doesn’t go for the Pies and so hates them with a deep set rage, this year the #flagpies appear to have that ‘special sauce’ that sees them riding an incredible wave of self-belief that will surely take them to the very top of the mountain.

However, despite the growing sense of inevitability of a Collingwood premiership, it should be reported that since the turn of the century the powerhouse club have made it to the Big Dance on six occasions. And they’ve managed to fuck it up every time except once.

While that poor completion rate should be cause for cautious optimism for non-Pies fans, the Advocate understands that with their new coach and game style, the Pies probably won’t fuck it up this time.

“McRae’s got them believing in themselves something shocking,” one elderly and depressed Collingwood hater said to our reporter today.

“How many times have they come from behind to win? They’re not the Colliwobbles of old,” he continued, referencing that delightful period between 1958 and 1990 where the Pies reached nine Grand Finals for eight losses and a draw.

“I had the best sleep of my life in those days.”
As despair reaches biblical proportions across the Nation, every single footy fan that does not barrack for Collingwood is desperately hoping they fuck it up again this time.

“There’s nothing to do now but pray to the Footy Gods that whoever the Pies end up playing in the Big Dance, they can produce a Dom Sheed-like goal late and steal their destiny out from under them,” another Pie-hater said.

“But it’s having hope that hurts the most,” he put his head into his hands and wept.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here