A local man preparing to attend a funeral has been rocked this morning, after the blunt realisation that his formal attire might bear the scars of activities not welcome inside a Church.

Scouring into the depths of his wardrobe, The Advocate reports local carpet cleaning specialist Kenny Chalmers was suiting up to attend the funeral of Darren “Dingo” Edwards, a much-beloved member of the local Betoota motorsports community.

After slipping on the only jacket he owns, Kenny was considerably rocked after discovering a treasure chest of unexpected contents protruding from his top jacket pocket.

After unfolding the tangled web of paper, Kenny was blindsided to find several failed betting slips, $120 of rolled-up cash and a single letterbox key, which he had assumed that he’d lost forever.

Casting his mind back to the last outing in his most stylish black jacket, Kenny was reminded of a recent bucks trip to Melbourne, which included two days of trackside punting at Caulfield and more than one trip to an exotic dance parlour.

“Ahhh shit, that’s where that key went”, sighed Kenny.

“I thought I had some cash left over from that weekend…”

Unfurling the crumpled tickets of failed boxed trifectas and taking one look at a wrinkled $50 note, it’s believed Kenny took a moment of quiet reflection before clearing the jacket of sin so he could walk inside St Bernard’s Anglican Church guilt-free.

Fashioning $50 into his wallet, Kenny told The Advocate that has a touching gesture, he planned to put the note through Darren Dingo’s favourite pokie machine at the Betoota Workers Club, conveniently the same location as the funeral’s wake.

“Dingo loved the pokies, I used to see him on the Queen of the Nile every Thursday night after the speedway meetup.”

“I might as well spin one last $50 through the machine and put all the winnings on a bar tab for his family, it’s what Dingo would’ve wanted…”

More to come.


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