RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

One of Betoota’s finest leasing agents has once again proven his worth to his landlord masters today. This time by successfully signing new tenants on to a 12 month lease that is $185 above the advertised weekly rent.

Hugo Cunkle has quickly risen up the leasing agent ranks due to his willingness to ruthlessly sprunge extra money out from renters without any remorse what so ever.

He’s exactly the type of merciless turd that Betootanese landlords love to have do their dirty work for them.

During this morning’s rental inspection at 4/32 Souths Rd, Betoota Ponds, Cunkle knew he’d get higher bids when more than 62 houseless swine rocked up to view the place.

In their faces he saw desperation and he revelled in the power he had as the one who chooses which of them gets the privilege of renting out one of the few available shit holes left in this over-priced hell swamp we call Betoota.

“Dude, there were poor pricks everywhere,” Cunkle told the Advocate. He suddenly grew concerned. “Weird thing though, nobody offered more rent.”

“So I had to think fast to get those higher bids coming in without, you know, actually seeking higher bids.” He gave our reporter a knowing wink.

In his self-aggrandising manner, Cunkle bragged how he picked out what appeared to be a young foreign student, a person he figured would not be across Betoota’s rental law, and made his move.

“Nice to meet you, Sumaya is it? Yea na cool, it’s a great place hey? Yea na cool so do you know what rent bidding is?” Tenant hopeful Sumaya Kumara responded in the negative.

“True, so can you offer to pay more?”

Thinking this was a legal or at least a culturally accepted practice, Sumaya offered an extra $50. However, Cunkle knew this would not satiate his landlord master. So he prompted her through arm movements to raise the offer higher.

She offered $80, then $120. But Cunkle told her he could get more from the ‘other pricks’ here. Sumaya then offered $185 above the advertised price of $450 and won herself a year of dwelling in a mould infested, uninsulated 1 bedroom box of sadness.

Cunkle slapped our reporter on the back and laughed, said: “Can’t wait for the rental crisis to really pick up steam later this year.”


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