EFFIE BATEMAN Lifestyle Contact

Bending her arthritic back to closely inspect a suspicious looking scratch on the hardwood floors, local landlord Gwendoline Hopkins lets out a sad little whimper.

Fuck me, she was so CLOSE.

You see, Gwendoline was certain she had an excuse to keep her tenant’s $1300 bond, especially seeing as the tenant in question was young, earning a disposable income and living in their first place out of a home – an absolutely sumptuous trifecta for a greedy landlord like Gwendoline.

In fact, she loved nothing more than squeezing every last penny out of her tenants, as she knew they didn’t have a leg to stand on. And if they dared try to refute that scratch on the floor didn’t cost $800 to fix, she’d simply find something else to add to the bill. 

This handy little business model also included his infamous ‘bond clean’, which involved getting her step daughter to vacuum the room for $400. A feat made so easy, when she went out of his way to choose international students who are still learning english.

Like shooting ducks in a barrel.

But today, she’s been thwarted. This no good, shit stick tenant has left the room pretty much spotless, with the only ‘scratch’ turning out to be a piece of lint.

Digging her shoes into the floor a little harder than necessary as she paced the room like a caged animal, Gwendoline decides she’ll put the piece of lint under ‘leaving the room unfairly messy’, and net herself a few hundred – marginally less than what she can usually get, but a loss she can no doubt recoup by shoving three tenants into one room for next time.

More to come.


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