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In what’s being described as an absolute miracle, a rag-tag team of Betoota Heights housemates has last night banded together to get a comatose house guest off the living room floor and into a bed.

Things got out of hand at the notorious Highview Road sharehouse, which has been handed down from generation to generation for upwards of a decade, to the point where a reveller at the impromptu gathering decided some ketamine would take it to another level.

And to another level, it did take it.

With a croaky, hoarse voice this morning, one of the residents described last night’s scenes to The Advocate via wireless telephone.

“Yeah, the ketamine really separated the wheat from the chaff last night,” said Millie Bloom, a 21-year-old veterinary student at South Betoota Polytechnic College.

“People either got up and started pacing around the room, rubbing their hands up and down their duck-down jackets. But everyone went real quiet. The K was the captain now,”

“Or they went down into a deep K-pit. Especially Cambo’s mate, Lindsay. I think that was his name. Like 30 seconds after he railed a hearty slug off my Mum’s old coffee table, his eyes rolled back in his head and he flat out started speaking in tongues,”

“His pale corpse slithered off the couch, landing face down on the rug where just started vomiting, which killed the mood somewhat. Me and a few other experienced K-Kowboys who were there put him in the recovery position and scooped the gunk out of his mouth and nose. Cleared his airway and did all that shit.”

But that wasn’t the end of the drama, according to another housemate who was present at the scene.

Douglas Handley, a 23-year-old media student also at South Betoota Polytechnic, spoke to our reporters this morning and he said it was clear Lindsay needed the healing powers of a mattress – the floor wasn’t doing him any good.

“He was in a bad way. There’s K-holes and then there are K-Caves. Lindsay was deep within a cavernous K-Cave and he needed to be rescued. So we came up with a plan.”

Channelling their inner Thai Navy Seal, the elite assembly of men who saved a Thai soccer team trapped within a flooded cave earlier this week, the group of mates picked Lindsay up off the living room floor and carried him gently into Cambo’s bed.

“It was a delicate operation. We bumped his head into a few walls and scraped his back along to the top of a dining chair but we got him out,” said Douglas.

“We couldn’t have done it if he were just super maggot. We needed the special powers of ketamine. People call us heroes but the real best on field last night was the K.”

The Advocate reached out to Lindsay for comment but are yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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