RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact

After years of lockdowns, Melburnian youths could be forgiven for thinking they would once again be allowed to party.

With the FIFA World Cup in full swing and our Socceroos making Les Murray proud, humongous crowds of mullet-clad youths have descended on Melbourne’s Federation Square at all hours of the morning to watch Australia compete.

Australians far and wide have taken great pleasure in watching news coverage of the hectic yet heartwarming footage of young people enjoying themselves once again in the city of poor mental health.

Well, not all Australians.

One elite inner-city Sydney resident, Dorothy Cooper (70) of Circular Quay, who lives in an exquisite three story townhouse with harbor-facing views, has been adversely affected by the loud scenes coming through her television set during this morning’s news.

Speaking with the wealthy and entitled boomer, the Advocate understands that after multiple attempts at turning her TV down, Cooper was still vividly distraught at the level of noise she could tell would have been emanating across the Melbourne city skyline at such ungodly hours.

“To think there would be inner-city Melbourne residents just like me trying to sleep nearby while this type of hooliganism goes on. It’s unconscionable,” Cooper said.

“They wouldn’t get away with such behaviour here in Sydney I can tell you,” said the woman who holds the record for most boomer-related noise complaints made within a single festive season.

To register her complaint, Cooper wrote a hand-written letter in perfect cursive to Melbourne Council. A snippet from the letter reads:

‘Large groups of footballing gangs are a blight on our society. To let them gather in such large numbers at 3am, nearby to residential areas, letting off flares and causing mayhem, is not good enough.’

Council has been quick to ban all gatherings of 5 or more from Federation Square until adequate acoustic measures can be put in place to save Sydney residents like Cooper from further torment. 

After years of young Melburnians locking themselves down to save the boomers, it appears they will once again be avoiding all social interaction until our sensitive elders can die out in peace and quiet.


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