An industry study has revealed that the entirety of the global catering industry is made up of enlightened geniuses who made the switch to escape the fast-paced lifestyle at the top of the swanky food pyramid.

Believed to have started around the time chef’s started swearing and posing for photos, the long running study conducted by the Global Guild of Caterers (GGC) has found that every person currently working in catering reached the dizzying heights of chef stardom before falling back down to earth. 

Usually with tattoos and intense names like Kane or Sergio, the former top chefs that make up 100% of people who work in catering state that the catering industry was a blessing to them when they needed to start from scratch.

One such catering convert is Kane Ticehurst (53) who states he saw it all as a triple addicted head chef at London’s prestigious restaurant Marmalade.

“I worked under all the top chefs; Gordon Ramsey, Marco Pierre White, Louis Triebette, Graham Candle Handley, Michelle Curranface, Fistberry Dongs, Piss Ears Elliott, all the big ones,” stated Ticehurst, a lit cigarette in each hand as he recounted the stories like a returned soldier before a modern understanding of PTSD.

“One night me and Mad Lindle Tuckshop did over 1000 covers which included a whole poulet en vessie that we had to prepare for each table from incubation.”

“There weren’t even any customers in that night, we just did it for the passion and because Miguel Henri Denada used to pay us in coke.”

According to Ticehurst, the constant stress and demand of poaching rich people’s eggs to order became too much, which is why he now simmers curries at events while sharing war stories with the other employees who all have stories just like his.

“I think it was working 23 and a half hour days that got me in the end. I much prefer the catering life where if you serve someone something they don’t like you can just ask them what the fuck they actually expected.”



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