In breaking retail news, Coles Supermarkets have been referred to the department of fair trading this Valentine’s Day for engaging in concerning levels of emotional abuse.

The Advocate is aware of several complaints being directed towards the nation’s second largest grocery chain, who have been playing a torturous playlist of breakup tunes in the freezer aisle, right as single shoppers flock to cure their aching hearts with a tub of full fat, full sugar ice cream.

After hearing several reports from the Coles in Betoota Heights, our publication can confirm shoppers were treated to the sounds of Bon Iver, Adele and Sam Smith and they attempted to glue their broken hearts together with some creamy calories laced with a thick caramel swirl.

Speaking to one shopper, Brendon Naeem (36), the recently single bachelor from West Betoota said whoever was spinning the decks on Coles radio was a complete sadist.

“Mate I’ve been dodging the romantic garbage getting plastered on all my friend’s socials all day, and I came in here looking for some reprieve, and ice cream.”

“Next minute I’m pulling a one litre tub of Belgian Chocolate from the fridge to the tune of ‘Skinny Love’ by Bon Iver, that song completely rips the heart strings straight from your chest.”

Asked if he appreciated Coles’ decision to soundtrack his shop with the saddest love songs of all time, Brendon said Coles had committed some serious love crimes against humanity.

“I just pulled a bottle of Ice Magic off the shelf and ‘Stay With Me’ by Sam Smith is getting blasted into my earlobes, does Coles have no compassion, no empathy?!”

“How low will they sink, kicking us singles when we’re down and out like this!”

More to come.


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